“Work-Wife Worries”
The Business of Furniture - 7/20/16 Edition
Stephen Says Column

 Dear Stephen,

 I like my job, I like my boss, and I like my coworkers. About nine months ago my boss started to go through a lot of problems with his marriage. He and his wife have been married more than 13 years, they have two kids, and he believes she's been having an affair. They fight constantly. I only know this because my boss tends to over- share everything. I'm not the only woman in the office that works for him, but sometimes he likes to ask me for a woman's perspective on different sce- narios that come up. I'm not married, but I'm engaged and getting married next year, so I think he considers me someone who understands relationships. Some of the things he floats by me though are insane. He's scouring the mutual credit card bills they have, and I think he even snoops through her e-mail. It's out of a television soap opera.
 
 He loves this woman and is very paranoid she is about to ask him for a divorce, so I think he's in a crisis state. He's trying to keep it confidential, but every- body in the office knows the story. It's always the elephant in the room.
 
 I think it's affecting his work and our team. I also feel I'm be- coming an emotional crutch for him, and it's starting to affect my work. I've heard this story a million times with my friends that are gay or straight, mar- ried or not married, but going through a breakup is a bitch and now it's affecting me – he even has started calling me his "work wife." How do I extri- cate myself from this situation without hurting his feelings or affecting my standing at work? I don't want him to take it per- sonally. He is a friend, but he should be my boss first, right?
 
 -Wifed-Up (at Work)

>"I'm not the only woman in the office that works for him, but sometimes he likes to ask me for a 'woman's perspective' on different scenarios that come up."
 
 

 Dear Wifed-Up (at Work)

 You said it yourself: He is your boss first and foremost. That's the most important point to keep in mind as this situation changes, and there will be lots and lots of changes in this situation, I have no doubt. I get many more of these letters and e-mails than you would think because it seems today everybody is cheating. But apparently it's not everybody because your boss certainly sounds like he's not.
 
 Dealing with this sort of situation is complicated because your boss needs to feel he has a friend, and you have his back. Acting as if you are your boss's friend is a sneaky — and super effective way to stay ahead in your job. I write this in my book Bulletproof Your Job (Harper Collins). A boss's perception that you're a friend makes it more likely you'll be the one he gives a raise or promotion, or that he'll look the other way when you need extra time off to spend with your family. You need to balance this feeling of friendship, while still staying professional and keeping your own work at a high level. The reality is bosses that get too distracted by personal problems usually lose their jobs — remember, every boss has a boss themselves. So while it's worth investing in being your boss's friend, it should never come at the cost of your work because you just don't know how long that boss will be around.
 
 Here's another tricky issue: Anecdotally, I find about 50 percent of these couples end up getting back together after going through the type of issues your boss is having (usually that's a bad decision, but who am I to judge). Listen to the boss and make him feel like you're empathetic, but never ever bad-mouth the cheating spouse. If they get back together, that's all he will remember, and you won't be the friend you once were. If it gets so bad you feel you can't concentrate on your job anymore, you need to go to HR. That's what they're there for. This is one of those situations that just requires a lot of tightrope walking on your part. Another way to prevent getting overly involved is resisting discussing it outside of work — this means to avoid getting a drink with your boss after work. Talking about it at work is distracting enough, but talking about it over a couple of cocktails makes it way more complicated than it needs to be.
 
 I know it's tough, but the best advice I can offer is to be a friend while always remembering you're an employee first.
 
 Stephen
 
You can send your workplace questions to Stephen at: StephenSays@bellow.press
 
 Questions selected to be answered, will appear in this column. Please use the Subject: 'Stephen Says' for all emails. Stephen Viscusi is a bestselling author, television personality, and CEO of The Viscusi Group, global executive recruiters located in New York. Follow Stephen on Twitter @WorkplaceGuru, Like Stephen on Facebook; and follow him on LinkedIn.