"Tired of Saying Sorry When You're Not? Me Too!"
The Business of Furniture - 8/2/17 Edition
Stephen Says Column
Dear Stephen,
I am tired of saying “I’m sorry.” I’m not tired of apologizing per se, but I’m tired of always seeming to apologize. It starts first thing in the morning. Let me walk you through one day of mine last week. I am barely out of bed and I am apologizing to my wife because I will be home late because I have a client dinner that night. Then, I drive to the train station, walk up the steps of the platform and apologize when a man runs into me. This is very much not my fault, but the apology just pops out of my mouth. Once I get on the train, I apologize to everyone I squeeze past on my way to the middle of the car. There are people wearing backpacks and bags and a woman with three purses, but I apologize my way through the car. I get off the train and immediately find myself on an extra-long and particularly slow Starbucks line. I wait for fifteen minutes and when I get to the front of the line the barista doesn’t understand my order. I order the same thing at Starbucks every day, but I apologize again, this time for his incompetence. Of course, they forget the Equal and there I go apologizing once more as a babble through my complaint. I live in a nice part of Chicago, and I work in the Merchandise Mart. Once I arrive at work, I end up holding the elevator for two men talking in the bank. Eventually, I say, “Sorry, are you coming in?” They look at me like I’m an alien. I tell them I’m sorry and hit the door close button. Later in the morning, I go through a similar deal with some oblivious, angry showroom manager reading her phone and not paying attention as I hold open a door. After ten or fifteen seconds of holding the door open I start to let it close. Just then, she begins to walk forward and I open the door for her again and apologize. She doesn’t thank me. Then I get to work and have to hear about my colleagues’ sick kids and divorces, and how we are not making quota,
and that deliveries are being delayed. And you know what I reply to everyone? I’m sorry. Like I’m culpable for all the world’s sins. I think I am being empathic, but I wonder if this is normal. Why am I saying sorry so often? I have nothing to be sorry about! When this carries over to my work I feel like I lose my ability to negotiate and even take charge of some situations. Is it just me? What’s the deal with people apologizing for things that don’t require apologies?
I am sorry for being sorry!
Dear I am sorry for being sorry,
Join the club. Almost every person I know seems to be a member of the “I’m sorry” society. We tend to over apologize to one another as a conversation starter or filler when we don’t know what to say.
Why? Maybe we think it makes us seem nicer and we are hoping to get on everyone’s good side. Maybe we think people will be more willing to help us if we start with an apology (this is proven to be untrue). Maybe it has just become habit. Who knows the real reason? Not I. I just know that I am sick of it myself, and in fact one of my New Years resolutions was to cut “I’m sorry” from my everyday vocabulary. Hey, who is the one person we all know that almost never ever says I’m sorry? That guy landed up in the White House! Lesson learned. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t apologize when we do something wrong. Especially at work, it is essential to be able to take responsibility for one’s mistakes in a professional and sincere manner. I just mean that apologies shouldn’t be reflexive. Over apologies reek of diffidence and self-consciousness. Real leaders are confident, and saying sorry when there is no reason to apologize makes us sound like pandering ninnies.
So, when you wake up in the morning, instead of apologizing to your wife, explain to her that you have to work late and won’t be home for dinner. I’m sure she’ll understand. The mass transit rule is unless someone is knocked off balance there is no need to apologize. If someone is in your way, glare at them, make it clear that they’re doing something wrong. Keep your mouth shut. Talk with your eyes. Same deal at Starbucks, the fewer words spoken the better. At the elevator, hold the door open if someone is running to catch it, but there is no need for you to hold it indefinitely. You’re not the elevator operator. It’s the same story when holding doors open for people.
Of course you should hold the door, but don’t stand there like a schmuck. And when you finally get to your office and have to hear all those stories, replace the sorry’s with positive phrases like “I hope she feels better,” and “you’ll land on your feet,” and “we’ll get the numbers up,” which will help break the habit of apologizing. If you need a break from your co-workers, working with headphones is a great option. Even if no music is playing, people will tend to leave you alone. It can be empowering to think only of yourself and not apologize for trivial things! Again, you shouldn’t be rude. There’s no need for that. But let strength guide you and your persona. That means no apologies and no babbling. Soon enough you may get promoted to President. Of your company, that is!
Stephen
You can send your workplace questions to Stephen at: StephenSays@bellow.press.
Questions selected to be answered, will appear in this column. Please use the Subject: Stephen Says for all emails. Stephen Viscusi is a bestselling author, television personality, and CEO of The Viscusi Group, global executive recruiters located in New York. Follow Stephen on Twitter @WorkplaceGuru. Like Stephen on Facebook and follow him on LinkedIn.
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