“From Diapers to Diapers: When Parents Become Our Children”
The Business of Furniture - 09/21/16 Edition
Stephen Says Column

Dear Stephen,

I have an unfortunate problem at work, and I am concerned that it is already changing the way my bosses and colleagues think of me. My 76-year-old father had a stroke last year and is dealing with symptoms of dementia as he recovers. I have one sister, and, together, we pay for his health care and try to take care of him as best we can. We hired a caretaker, but it seems like there always needs to be another pair of hands to help out. There are doctor appointments that require a family member to be present, Medicare and the insurance forms that seem to be longer than a Dickens novel. My dad is never happy with the caretaker — we have gone through three of them already — so he always likes one of us to be around.

Taking care of my father has been as time consuming as when I had infant children 30 years ago, and there is no paternity leave for a sick parent. The issue is bigger than my not being physically present in the office as much as I need to be. There are also the constant telephone calls from my dad, the caretaker, or the doctors, which I have to take. There are all of these distractions and then the emotional and mental stress makes working close to impossible, even when I have some time.

In the last year or two, a number of people in our office have gone through similar situations. My company has been very supportive, officially at least. But I can tell that my bosses and my colleagues are rolling their eyes behind my back because they need to make up the work that I don't get done. I am thinking of taking a leave of absence to get my father situated in a long-term care facility, but I'm worried that they'll need to replace me. What do people do when their parents become their children?

-Stuck Between a Rock and a Wheelchair
 

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Dear Between a Rock and a Wheelchair,

Your situation is the new normal for people of a certain age, and it's a really difficult position to be in. At this point, most of the current workforce either has or will have to deal with a similar situation. It is true; our parents do become our children, and some of us feel compelled to take care of them. I am sure you know that not everyone sees it this way. But for those of us that do, it is nice to see companies are becoming increasingly more empathetic to this need, and many companies have instituted a family leave policy similar to maternity or paternity leave, which gives you time off if a family member is ill and guarantees you your job back when you're ready to return to work.

Someday — sooner than you think — this sort of all-encompassing family leave will replace what we know today as maternity leave. The New York State Legislature recently passed the nation's first bill of its kind that will, once fully phased in, provide workers with 12 weeks of paid "family leave" that workers would buy into like a pension plan. Companies like Facebook are also moving in that direction. After Mark Zuckerberg took leave when his wife recently gave birth, he said he hopes everyone in the company takes their full leave. All of this is a huge departure from the previous status quo that expected you to come in to work unless you were dead.

With all that said, the system is still far from perfect and not everyone is lucky enough to work at Facebook. For the rest of us, some sort of "Best-Days-Are-Behind-Them Leave," would be a lifesaver. It is a distraction to have to be present for doctor appointments, and as I know from my own experience with my father, dealing with Medicare and what I call supplemental insurance can be draining. Mostly, we all want to be there for our parents like they were there for us, and it takes real time away from the workplace. As nice as having the time off would be, the reality is that most of us don't have the luxury.

The honest truth is you're right. Your boss is thinking of you differently, and your co-workers are fed up with doing all your work. This doesn't mean they're cruel people or unsympathetic. I'm sure they feel very badly for you, but your absence is affecting their lives. My recommendation would be to try to use your time better. Start by dividing it into categories. For example, maybe you decide you'll manage medical paperwork before or after work or on your lunch hour every Monday.

As for the constant phone calls, whether they are from your dad, a health care worker, or a family member, you need to set boundaries, even if only in your head. When you're at your job, you need to find a way to be there mentally. As frustrating as I'm sure it is for your boss when you're out, I'd bet a month's rent he or she gets far angrier about the times when you're in the office but doing other things.

With regard to the emotional strain your father's sickness is causing you, it might help to put yourself in your parent's position. I'm sure your father knows you're doing everything that you can, and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to lose your job. Remember also, the worst thing you can do is constantly bring up your situation at work. Everyone there who needs to know knows. Keep your business to yourself. Finally, be patient with the process, take care of your family and do your best to balance your work. You're not superman, and both your boss and your family know that.

Stephen