"Your Dog Died and Your Boss is Supposed to Care?" - 05/05/20 Edition
Stephen Says Column
Dear Stephen,
I work at a design firm, and a lot of my friends are designers or furniture sales reps — which is why I read BoF. One of my best friends is a senior designer at a medium-sized interiors firm. Recently, he had to put down his dog. Let's call her “Milly.” It was a big deal for him; he's single, middle-aged and childless. He has taken care of Milly for 17 years, raised her since she was a puppy, and she was the most important thing in the world to my friend.
If you're not a pet person you may not understand the big deal, but try to see it from my friend’s perspective. This dog was the one thing that offered him consistent and unconditional love. Maybe you think it’s sad, but trust me, it’s even sadder for my friend now that his one wellspring of affection has dried up.
I’ll cut to the chase: He says he can’t focus at work, and when he gets home it’s even worse. He also tells me he has received zero to no support from his employer on dealing with this process, which has been traumatic and devastating for him.
I feel bad. It seems like no one at his job understands what he’s going through, and they are expecting him to continue as if there is nothing happening in his personal life. Also, because they downsized during the pandemic, he’s working twice as hard, even though they’re starting to hire furloughed people back. He’s a mess. He told me he tried to talk to his boss about what’s going on, and his supervisor told him they felt bad for him
but, with careful language, Milly’s death is not the company’s problem. I’m trying to help him with his grief, but I’m curious as to what company’s policies about pet bereavement are in general? Do you know what A&D firms do, specifically? What about furniture manufacturers and dealers? Is there a formal policy? Any suggestions for my friend? Let me know your thoughts.
— Concerned Friend Of An Overworked Pet Widower
Dear Sympathetic Friend,
When any relationship this long comes to an end, there is a real grieving process that needs to happen. This is a great question and a topic I've discussed once before, years ago in this column.
I do get questions from workers about how to handle the death of their pet when it comes to work. They’re understandably sad, and it goes one of two ways: Either they are more than willing to share their pain with everyone and thus invite collective grievance, or they’re too embarrassed to say anything and the loss silently tortures them. To answer your question — yes — there is an informal policy that generally handles this issue at most companies. It’s called paid time off (PTO). Virtually every company today, big and small — from design firms to furniture companies to recruiting firms — offer PTO, and my suggestion is this is the perfect time to use it.
It’s important for companies to acknowledge the roles pets play in their employee’s life. Especially since during the pandemic, adoption of cats and dogs have more than doubled. Today, it’s easier to deal with in terms of time because most companies in our industry offer a generous amount of PTO. And employees are welcome to use that time for whatever reason they choose.
But, sometimes being alone at home isn’t always the answer.
Losing a pet is a great reason to use PTO. Your friend happened to be a bachelor, and his life was his pet, but it’s just as bad for families with children. It’s so sad to see your kids grieving over your pet while you’re also experiencing that grief. The simple fact is that going into work the day after putting down a pet is usually not worth it — for the employee, the employer and the company. How can you be expected to excel or even just exist at work when only the day before or two days before you had to say goodbye to your Milly or Sally or Rover or Sparky?
That being said, I have to tell you other friends of mine have told me they want to go to work in these cases to keep their mind off their grieving.
What do most companies do? That’s a good question. Let’s invite some readers to tell us. If you are in HR, tell me your policies and stories in the comments. If you are an employee and work
in a company that has a pet bereavement policy, share it with us. As an animal lover, I would love to know what the norm is in our industry. There are some companies — Mars Inc. of candy bar fame, is probably the most well-known — that offers special bereavement leave just for pets. If you’re like me, and have had a pet you’ve lost, you know how difficult it can be. You tell me.
If you’ve recently lost a pet and don’t feel you’re getting the sympathy you need from your boss or direct colleagues, don’t worry, because every workplace has its resident pet people you can talk to. I don’t just mean people who have pets, either. In every office there are at least two people who are absolutely crazy about pets. If you don’t think your company has any pet people, snoop around to see what everyone’s phone screensavers look like. You’ll immediately know what I’m talking about. These people will want to see all the pictures and hear all the stories about the mischief your pet made. Find your pet people, they’re better than grief counselors, they will help.
This is an important topic, and I think your friend’s experience with his rough boss is rare. That’s not the norm — most employers care. To me, it sounds circumstantial to the current workload. Perhaps his boss is on a tight deadline. For the most part, employees tell me they find employers and colleagues to be very caring and empathetic.
As far as your friend goes, I am no shrink, but I am told if you want a quick fix, getting a new pet right away can help fill the void the last one may have left. I’d recommend going to a rescue shelter or breeder and getting a new pet today. Worried about that new pet destroying your furniture? Is that what’s holding you back? Don’t worry — if you’re in the design or furniture business, I bet you know someone who can get it for you wholesale!
— Stephen
The Viscusi Group