"Hate Them Or Love Them, You Gotta Drink With Them"
The Business of Furniture - 10/12/16 Edition
Stephen Says Column



Dear Stephen,

I'm a 27-year-old woman, working for a dealer with a number of young workers. My boss seems to make a point of trying to hire young, hip people. He says that image is part of his branding business model. If you think of design and furniture like fashion, you can make the connection in your head that makes it sexy, or something like that. Plus, I suspect younger workers are way cheaper.

It seems our competitors hire more experienced workers because when we go to industry events, we look like interns compared to our counterparts, who are all much older.

I like working with other young people. The office is fun and lively and interesting. I do not, however, like that I am expected to be friends with these people outside of work. What I mean is that all my co-workers are always going out together and getting drinks, or going to the gym together or doing yoga or whatever, and as much as I like them, I have my own social circle in which I am quite happy. We are all mostly single, myself included, if that makes a difference. The issue I'm having is that I think some of my co-workers are beginning to think I don't like them because whenever they invite me out with them I turn them down. I just don't want my entire life to become work. I need a break sometimes. It always feels like when my mom used to tell me to do something I really did not want to do.

Is this so wrong? And how do I prove to them that it isn't anything personal without having an awkward talk with them? Soon enough I think they will just stop asking me to go, but I do not want it to come down to that, because I really do like working with these guys.

Don't Make Me Go
 

Dear Don't Make Me Go,

I hear you. Over the past few years, and especially in younger circles, there has been a growing amount of pressure to meld business and personal lives. Some people use it as a way to get ahead personally, some people think it's good for business generally, but what is undeniable is that certain social expectations have become part of work expectations. Others still just may not have as many other friends as you do, or want to find a boyfriend or girlfriend at work (amazingly this is what some people are looking for), so it's very common to spend time with your co-workers.
 

Going out with co-workers is important for morale and good practice for taking clients out,
which should be your goal if you are a young worker at a dealer who is serious about her career.


Dare I say that work being one's primary social circle is becoming the new normal? Have you heard the term "work wife"? Most people write me with the opposite problem. They complain that their loved ones at home are jealous or annoyed because they spend (and want to spend) too much time with work colleagues. To each their own, though. But as far as you're thinking it's weird that your co-workers like each other so much, you're actually in the minority.

Either way, the short answer is you have no obligation to these people outside of work. You do not have to prove anything to them, you simply need to not over think this. However, and this is a big however, if you are not someone who is willing to go out with co-workers at least occasionally, this might not be the right job for you. Like I said, most people in this industry love hanging out with their work buddies.

This isn't to say that your social circle at work needs to be your social circle outside of work, or that you always need to choose to get a drink with your colleague instead of your college friend. It's your call, but like I said before, this is the new normal, and it isn't going to change any time soon. Going out with co-workers is important for morale and good practice for taking clients out, which should be your goal if you are a young worker at a dealer who is serious about her career. So to me the issue is really yours, not your co-workers.

Listen, I'm not telling you to go out with your colleagues whenever they invite you out, but if it has gotten to the point where you are worried the people you work with think you don't like them, it seems to me it's probably worth getting a white wine with them once a month or so. Make sense? I mean, it is one thing if you really hate these people — and if that is the case, start looking for another job — but that does not seem to be the problem. Give these people some time, it will be worth it in the long run. I don't mean to be like your mom telling you to do something you don't want to do, but if we're being honest, your mom was usually right, wasn't she? And while I'm not your mother, my mom told me what to do enough that I think I know how this is supposed to work. So, I'm telling you not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. If you do not like hanging with these people, go find another job. Trust me, as someone who has had to spend hours and hours at social events I was less than thrilled to attend, being able to pretend you are enjoying yourself is a skill worth fostering.

Stephen
 

You can send your workplace questions to Stephen at: StephenSays@bellow.press
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Stephen Viscusi is a bestselling author, television personality, and CEO of The Viscusi Group,
global executive recruiters located in New York.
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