"How To Deal With A Newly Unemployed Friend When You Are Still Working" - 01/02/19 Edition
Stephen Says Column




Dear Stephen:

One of my friends recently lost his job. It was not totally unexpected.

I have no personal doubts about my friend's future success. He received a generous severance package, and I know him to be a survivor above all else. My question actually isn't as much about my friend's workplace situation as it is about me. I am simply unsure about how to continue our relationship.

My friend and I have long been close both personally and professionally. We are senior executives who have traveled constantly and worked long hours. Work has always been the priority for us and for me, it still is. My friend, however, finds himself with an abundance of free time and seems to think the best way to spend it is to reach out to me. Since his dismissal from work, he has been texting, calling and emailing me nearly non-stop. He is a close friend, and I feel bad blowing him off but I still have a job and responsibilities. I simply don't have the time to get on the phone and endlessly speak with him. I do not want to hurt his feelings but I just do not have the ability or mental capacity to be constantly entertaining him. The nighttime is fine, and I am more than happy to continue our relationship, it just cannot be while I am at work.

How do I tactfully explain to him while I'm working, I can't be texting about a SoulCycle instructor he has the hots for, nor do I have time to talk about Kathie Lee leaving the TODAY show. It sounds awful but put simply, I have a job, and he does not.

How do I say this all without sounding obnoxious or hurting my dear friend? I feel like when someone is unemployed they are down enough, and I want to be supportive. I just don't want to lose my own job because I am constantly dealing with personal issues for my friend.

Signed,

Babysitting the Unemployed
 

Dear Baby:

More than once I have dealt with this exact situation, and I know how difficult it can be. As a headhunter, every time even a passing acquaintance of mine becomes unemployed, I am suddenly thrust into the position of their new closest friend and confidant. What you bring up is something important that is often overlooked. Thank you for the question.

Someone newly unemployed has to get used to a new daily routine. For most of us, this is a difficult and uncomfortable adjustment. What do you do when you wake up in the morning? How do you occupy a free day or week or month? These are all exceptionally difficult questions to answer when you are so used to the structure of work. Losing a job can be a lot like losing a friend or loved one. You go into a state of mourning, and mourning (as we all know) can take many forms. Some become reclusive and depressed, some work immediately to start something new and rush headlong into the interview process. Some simply wait around and want to talk with their old buddy about SoulCycle.

It is OK and encouraged to be a good listener and be there for your friend, just try to direct them into contacting you after work hours. You can be upfront and frank about this, you can explain there is a big project which requires your full attention, or you can simply not answer his messages until the day is over. Regardless of your tact, I am sure he will get the message. While I know you feel it is a sensitive subject (and it very well may be), you have a responsibility to yourself and your position to prioritize your job. Do not assume you have to be rude about setting boundaries or that it will be interpreted as rude. I am sure if the roles were reversed, your friend would be doing exactly the same. Heck, I would venture to bet your friend has been in exactly this position himself at one point or another.

Of course, we can all understand your friend feeling lost. Having more time can be isolating and lonely. It only makes sense your friend would want to reach out to whoever he can to fill these dull hours. The good news is this cycle tends to end quicker than you think. Your friend, I am sure, will find a new job or fill his time with a new hobby in no time. Just be polite and stop jumping to return a text immediately. Explain you need to text after work, and they will get the message. It really works. Then consider telling him to call on the phone instead of texting to slow down the unwanted chatter. It takes more effort to talk on the phone, and some people will not do it.

Cut the person some slack, of course, but there needs to be a point when you make it clear the kind of contact you will and will not tolerate. Even the closest of relationships draws a boundary somewhere. Maybe your friend will simply move on to the next acquaintance who will indulge him at work. At least it will no longer be you!

Stephen
 

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Stephen Viscusi is a bestselling author, television personality, and CEO of The Viscusi Group,
global executive recruiters located in New York.
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